Friday, May 3, 2019
1st May 2019
I’m writing this in Word, pasting word by
word into it. I don’t have Internet, nor the money left to buy them. All I have
is a buck in my trousers’ pocket that I wanted to use for the laundry but still
not enough. Ramadhan is approaching, second by second, minute by minute as I’m
typing this. My birthday passed days ago where I thought I won’t be here today,
typing this. I should have leave on that day. I have nothing with me. Nothing.
I supposed I should go home this Friday but with what? I can’t even afford a
bus ticket.
I really don’t know what went wrong. I
really can’t figure out things. I’m here, all alone, doing nothing, wasting
time, wasting everything I have. I’m very tired of myself, very tired of doing
nothing, very tired of living, very tired to understand everyone else. You know
and I know that I shouldn’t be doing this right now but why am I so useless?
Why can’t I be like other people? Why am I so disgusting? Why am I so
disappointing?
People around me hurt me so much, it hurt
so much. The pain is unbearable. I really can’t go through this. I’m tired of
waiting. I haven’t given a chance to make a choice. There is no choice at the
beginning. I’m not fighting with people, I’m fighting with myself. I’m fighting
me. Unless you have been in the same fight before, you wouldn’t understand what
it’s like. It’s like riding a boat, it goes up and down, feel like throwing up
but you can’t. You must swallow it. I’ve been waiting all this time. At the
end, there is nothing waiting for me.
I’ve made a wrong turn at every junction.
I tried making a U-turn, but it is still not the same road as everyone else. I
know people will say that my road is going to be different from others, but
have you seen it? Have you seen my road? It doesn’t look good, rough and full
of potholes. I’ve been trying to avoid them while driving a time car that
doesn’t have a brake.
I wish there is someone who can pull me
out from this pit and take me away. Can’t someone hear me calling? Can’t
someone help me? Really helping me? Help me. Please? But nobody cares. Nobody’s
listening. And me? I’m dying with my head eating me each day.