I missed a post for my 23rd birthday. Well, who cares?

Btw, 2 days ago, I'm 24. And 2 days later, I'm writing this since I have a few things to jot down.

First of all, I've finished my industrial training and ultimately, my bachelor degree. The only thing that I'm waiting for is my graduation, which is expected at the end of 2018. I already changed my job once and currently residing in Seri Kembangan.

Wait, this is not a biography.

As for this birthday, the ultimate present I gave myself is I'm home. Honestly, my birthday always fall on weekdays or weekends or some days that I'm barely home due to works. For example, during high school, well, I have school days (girl boarding school). During bachelor degree, I have classes and projects. I guess only on my diploma that I get to spend my birthday at home but usually it is in a fight season with mom.

Being 24 is like...everything is so adult and big to you. You discover new things almost everyday and you gotta handle that yourself. Problems? They're like lunch and dinner to me. It's just that I felt so lonely and I think too much of everything. Being adult is not something to celebrate. It's a phase of life where you need to realise that you're an adult and you need to grow up. Most of my high school friends already get married or engaged to someone and me? I'm still in the phase of refusing the idea of me getting engaged or married to anyone. I gave up on love already. I'm still searching for myself, still lacking in every aspects of life and still someone who need their parents. I'm not ready to grow up. I don't want to.

For once after a very long time ago, I kissed and hugged my father last night, right before I board the bus. I cried. I can't tell him what it is but I just cry. I can't tell him it is difficult for me to live my life as me but I really want him to know that it is really hard after all. I try to stand strong but in front of him, I really can't lie at all. I don't know what went wrong and everything is so complicated. I can't cope with this 24-year-old life that everyone else has gone through.

I always think about dying. What if I don't wake up on the next day? Who will cry? Who will laugh? Who will remember me? Who will forget me? What if my sins drag me into hell? What is hell looks like? Am I still have a little chance to see Heaven and meet Allah? I think about something like this almost everyday. And I'm not ready.

But the things that I'm grateful for this birthday are that I get to reconcile with an old friend, after months of not talking to each other. My mom and dad gave their permission for me to get a job near home. I get to snuggle with my cats at home. And I get to be home with my family on my birthday and eat my mom's cooking. That's the greatest gift of all.

To anyone that is struggling, there's always someone who will try to wake you up and lend their hand to pull you up from the slump. Trust me, I've been there.

To every wishes I get on my birthday, thank you and may Allah bless your day, everyday.

Labels: birthday